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Monday, July 4, 2011


This is the day for appreciating freedom and watching parades and fireworks.  Let me add some levity to your life today:

4th of July Jokes

The difference between a duck and George Washington is:
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill. (That's Bunker Hill to the right.)
Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.
What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Okay, these were pretty lame.  How's this one from the same source.

Parable For The 4th of JulyPresidents Day Jokes

Once, in the 1820's, a little boy called Sam was playing in the yard behind his house.  During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse.  Now Sam was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn't come out until after got dark.  When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him.  He asked suspiciously, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?"
"No, pappy," Sam lied.
"Well, let me tell you a story," said the father. "Once, not that long ago, Mr Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father.  Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down.  But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother's favorite cherry tree," his pappy paused." just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his pappy asked, 'Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?'  Abraham answered with, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.' Then his father said, 'Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.' So," the Sam's father asked again," did you knock down the outhouse?"
"Pappy, I cannot tell a lie any more." said the little boy. "I did indeed knock down the outhouse."
Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, "Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?"
Pappy answered, "That's because Abraham Lincoln's father wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!"

There are TWO problems with this story.  First Pappy mistook Honest Abe for George Washington, for this is the president who got credited for not telling a lie.  Worse yet, that story about George Washington was made up anyway, by someone named Mason Locke Weems.  While we're at this, President Washington did not have wooden teeth:

He had false teeth, but they were not made of wood. As a matter of fact, the materials used in his false teeth were probably more uncomfortable than wood. In one set of teeth, his dentist, Dr. John Greenwood, used a cow’s tooth, one of Washington’s teeth, hippopotamus ivory, metal and springs. They fit poorly and distorted the shape of his mouth.

Also too, Washington never threw a silver dollar across the Potomac (for two reasons:  there were no silver dollars then and this river is about a mile across) and never did wear a wig.

Incidentally, Lincoln was called "Honest Abe" because he was an honest country store manager and lawyer, perhaps unusual in his day...and maybe, to some degree, even today.  And he was born in a log cabin (in Kentucky), became a lawyer just by teaching himself the law, did not hunt or fish (aversion to killing animals) and was truly against the concept of slavery.

Let me end with Ben Franklin (yes, he had hair in his youth):

Historical Humour For 4th July

In his Poor Richard's Almanac, Franklin wrote many clever sayings which are still part of our cultural heritage today. At 26, Franklin published the first edition of Poor Richard's Almanac under the pseudonym Richard Saunders.
  • Remember that time is money.
  • A little neglect may breed mischief: for want of a nail, the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the rider was lost.
  • A penny saved is a penny earned.
  • Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
  • Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
  • Fish and visitors smell in three days.
  • Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
  • God helps them that help themselves.

  • Haste makes waste.
  • Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?
  • It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
  • Little strokes fell great oaks.
  • Never leave that till to-morrow which you can do to-day.
  • Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
  • Well done is better than well said.
  • In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
  • There never was a good war nor a bad peace.
  • Never contradict anybody.

I could learn a few things from Benjamin Franklin, and so can you.


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